I recently moved to a new country for my first job after college. When I got here, I was hit by the biggest wave of isolation I’ve ever felt. The people here are nice and my living arrangements are set and my job looks great, but I couldn't shake the feeling of not belonging here. I miss my family and friends tremendously. When I was with them though, I enjoyed their company and felt at ease, but I still often preferred to read a book away from everyone or got bored of taking so many pictures with them. Why do I feel so strongly that I’d rather be back there, living at home with them, much more than I’d prefer to work or be by myself? I know that wouldn't make me happy long-term, but I still feel very lonely and homesick.
I’ve met a lot of people here, too. I can message any of them right now to hang out, and they would probably say yes and it would probably make me feel better, but I don't think that's right. I don't want to reach for someone else to fix my loneliness. I don't typically feel this lonely when I’m on my own, so I want to figure out what's so different now. I have a hunch I’m misinterpreting something basic, that I’m not understanding on a gut level something I logically know to be true.
Loneliness means I’m not connecting much with other people. Whenever I was talking to the people I met, sometimes even for more than an hour, I’ve felt pretty happy. I don't think that happiness comes from me not being lonely anymore; rather, it comes from me being too busy or caught up in thinking about the conversation that I don't have time to let my loneliness fester. I’m distracted by the conversation.
Afterward, I always feel like the conversation wasn't that great. Like it was superficial and the person didn't like me and the person doesn't really have much in common with me and I don't see them as a potential close friend. What's funny is that I almost never have very deep or insightful conversations with my family or friends! Why am I setting the bar so high for the people I’ve just met? (I think I’m close to the problem now.) Loneliness isn't just about being with or talking to people; it's about connecting with them. I haven't let myself appreciate how connected I’ve gotten to people here. I even had a long, very insightful conversation with someone who's very much like me. We both seemed to like talking to each other. And yet, I noticed that since that conversation, I’ve sort of written him off as not interesting and not that fun.
I think part of the reason I’m getting a bad taste in my mouth after talking to people I don't know one-on-one is that I’m trying too hard. Trying too hard to figure out what kind of person they think is interesting. Trying too hard to avoid awkward silences. Trying too hard to laugh at the right times and keep the conversation at a fun pace. Hm. Actually, I don't know if that's really the reason. It doesn't quite feel right.
Let me try zooming out to how I used to be with other people. Back home and in college, I was really happy when working on a tough problem or going on a walk. I would have small conversations with people living near me (my parents and sister at home, people in my dorm at college), but I only went out to hang out with people about once a week. I remember before college classes started, I was pretty busy but if I think about it now, I can imagine that if I wasn't so busy I probably would have felt pretty lonely. Has it always been "busyness" that kept me from feeling lonely when I'm in a new environment? When I think of my parents, they rarely see other people. They like to come home after work and get back to their normal routine (cleaning, watching the news, playing with the dog, praying). Maybe that's it all along.
This isn't an answer I’m happy with. If I suddenly had nothing to do, I don't want to be crushed by loneliness. Knowing this, I might try to find things to do just to keep myself from feeling lonely. I wish I could feel more connected to the people I already know.
One perspective shift that might be useful is to think of the calls to friends and family back home or around the world as a privilege instead of feeling terrible that I can't be with them. Be grateful that phones exist and they're free and willing to talk to me. That they're giving up some of their infinitely valuable time to talk to me. Wow, how incredibly lucky I am!
Another perspective shift that won't be so easy is to think of myself as more connected to people, in general. I logically believe very strongly that human lives are unbelievably important and precious, that we're all capable of immense depth of emotion and experience, that making people's experience of consciousness better is a terminal goal. In HPMOR, Harry seems very connected with humanity as a whole even though he doesn't talk to the other children all that much. He has a very clear picture of humanity's potential and value, and he draws a lot of strength from holding onto the picture. I also want to do that.
Even after a full day of being with and talking with people at work, on the walk to buy groceries and home, I felt the same dull constant pang of loneliness. Something's wrong. I still think I'm mostly distracted when I'm with other people, and once that distraction goes away I can notice the loneliness again. I'm the most free I've ever been and also the most crippled by loneliness I've ever been. I need to spend more time solving this. I'll start with meditation.
Another thing. Whenever I have to do something new or not something I would do on automatic, I become less confident, and I feel more of a "that's it, I'm inevitably going to fail to do this eventually and die." I mean for the simplest things, like remembering to tear up papers with my personal information and put them in compost. Or asking a shop attendant who only speaks German where the salt is instead of just not buying some. Or buying groceries I don't usually buy to try them out. I wish those things out of my comfort zone excited me, gave me more fuel, made me appreciate my life more here. But they do the opposite.